Dear 8-Ball:
Valentine’s Day is coming up and I need help! I’ve never really been a big fan of the holiday but my girlfriend has been hinting that she’d like it to be a special day for us. I’m not trying to avoid it; I just don’t want to go through all the candy and flowers crap that comes with it. You always seem to know what to do when the pressure is on. Can you help me come up with a unique way so the “both” of us are happy on February 14th?

--Holiday Hell Helen

Dear Helen,
In order to solve this problem, let’s take a look at where the idea of Valentines Day came from.
Some experts state that this lover’s holiday originated from St. Valentine. He was a Roman priest imprisoned for secretly marrying couples; you see young men could avoid joining the army if they were married. Emperor Claudius II temporarily outlawed matrimony and when he heard of what this renegade priest was doing, he was then imprisoned and eventually sentenced to death. He died on February 14, 269 A.D.
The story continues with St. Valentine leaving a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, a woman who he had fallen in love with, the final note was signed "From Your Valentine".
Now seeing that I’m here in prison, much like St. V, I find it interesting that…wait, you’re a chick dating a chick? Ah shit, I don’t know what to tell ya. Maybe surprise her by dressing up like Carrie-Ann Moss from the Matrix or get tickets to the Ellen show? Hey did you hear that Matrix Co-Director Larry Wachowski is rumored to be a transsexual? Weird, right?
Good luck!
8-Ball

Dear 8ball,

I've had a pain syndrome for the past 4 years and have recently been told I will have it for the rest of my life....basically I'll be in constant physical pain for no reason. I've been in therapy, the psyche ward, hospitals, missed tons and tons of school, I get beat up by first graders, how do overcome my physical weaknesses?

Your pain could be the sign of something serious. If it were me, I'd get that shit looked at as often as possible. That way you have a better chance of getting meds and dying high.

Good luck,

8-ball

dear 8 ball,

When ever my freiend comes over, her little sisters tag behind. I cant get them to go away! They bug me soooo much! What should I say to get them away?

~ tagalong problem

Here's a great approach to get kids to leave you alone: Just say, "I think I saw a case of Sour Patch Kids by the divider out on the interstate. It must've fallen off a truck. Maybe you should go check it out, but watch the traffic!

good luck!

--8ball

Dear 8ball,

Im really into younger guys. Im in 8th grade and I really like this 5th grader. He is sooooooooooooo hot. Hes like as hot as the sun. I dont know what to do. What would you do in a situation like this?

-Pocahuntas

I would seduce this young man privately, far away from the eyes of your classmates. If you were to be romantically linked with a lower-classman, it could seriously damage your rep with the other 8th grade ho's. Good luck.

--8ball

Dear 8 Ball, what is your favorite animal, and why?

-me

Dear mr me:

I like the lion. He's the king, he respected, he's in Africa.

take care!

8 ball

Dear 8ball,

My brother is really annoying. He always yells, and he is really perverted. What should I do?-- -Cinderella

Dear Cindy:

how serious are you about solving this problem ? if you're really serious, you can accuse him of molesting you and he'll get sent away, at the very least til he's 18. By then you should have moved out of the house.

good luck!

8 ball

Dear 8-Ball,

I consider myself a small-time drug dealer-- some weed, blow, ‘shrooms, etc. For the first time, I came dangerously close to getting arrested. The realization set in that I could do some serious jail time if nabbed by the cops.
8, I’m a small, frail, attractive young man and I’ve seen enough prison movies to know what happens to guys like me in the joint. I don’t want to stop selling because the money is really good. What should I do?

Scared Straight

Dear Scared Straight:

Well, junior, my advice would be try selling drugs on your bicycle, with the seat off…it will only make your time in here a smoother ride.

Good Luck!

Dear 8-Ball:
Are unicorns real? And if so, how come I haven’t seen one?

Mythological Mary

Dear Mythological Mary,

There was this guy in here a few years ago, Lil’ Lewis, who had what seemed to be a unicorn tattoo on his arm. On his first few days here some of the guys gave him a hard time about it. They said things like "Nice tattoo fag..." and "That shit’s gay…" but it wasn’t until someone said "Cool unicorn tat, man" that things turned ugly. With barbell in hand, Lewis bludgeoned that guy so bad that he now has to drink out of a straw for the rest out his life…from his ass.

Turns out it wasn’t a unicorn tattoo at all, but a tattoo of a horse with an enormous chiseled dildo nailed into its cranium. You see Lil’ Lewis was in fact gay, and proud of it, but had a severe hatred for the horned magical beast.
I don’t know if unicorns are real or not, Mary, but let’s just say that I believe in horses with enormous chiseled dildos nailed into their craniums.
--8-Ball

Dear 8-Ball,

I am a 33-year old single male who has never been in the joint. I have always been curious to see if I was ever put in the system-- is there a way to have my favorite cuisine? I am a huge fan of the grilled american cheese sandwich. Please tell me how you and you buddies would go about doing this.... thanks

-Jack "Rolling" Stone

Dear Jack,

When the D Block Dirty Boys and myself get together to catch up on current events, gossip, etc. we like to have some light snacks to keep the mood friendly. So when it’s my turn, I enjoy making hot-pressed sandwiches. All you need is bread, meat and/or cheese, some condiments - and Fat Ass Jim.

I don’t really like Jim that much, as a matter of fact I tried to bash his head with a barbell a couple of years ago over a miscommunication in the showers, but that corpulent fanny of his gets the job done when it comes down to hot-pressed sandwiches. Just put together your favorite lunchmeat combo and slide that baby right between Fat Ass Jim’s best ASSets, the only problem is - they always end up tasting like shit!

Ha-ha, oh man, you must forgive me, the D Block Dirty Boys and I are putting together an open mic night in two weeks and I’m getting my material together.

Good Luck! --8-Ball

Dear Lost and Frowned,

I have a huge crush on 8-Ball. I would really be interested in hooking up with him. This is my second time writing to you. I am African American, 5'1", weigh 307 lbs. with a beautiful smile. Do you think he would be interested?

Let me know

–Big Bertha

Dear Big Bertha,

Wow, I’m flattered at your interest in me. Let’s look at your stats again: you’re 5’1", African American, and 307LBs? Are you kidding me?! I hate to break it to you, Bertha, but there seems to be a small, or should I say large, problem with you and I hooking up.

You see I’m really not into African American women, I’m more of a Russian bride kinda guy. There’s just something so special about flipping through a magazine, circling the one you like, placing your order, then just sitting back and waiting for your new life of matrimonial bliss to begin…in about 6 to 8 weeks. (Warning: Russians brides not available for the state of Tennessee, sorry Tennessee).

Good luck!

-8-Ball

Dear 8-Ball,

If I put hair removal cream on a chicken, would it make the feathers come off? —Peter

Dear Peter,

I have absolutely no problem shattering the cranium of another human being if I feel that my life is in danger – male or female. But when it comes to a defenseless animal (i.e. a chicken) 8-Ball cares, and cares BIG-TIME. As the chefs of Cellblock D well know, I am a full-on vegetarian. The idea of pouring that hair-removal cream on a chicken is just fowl play my friend – or should I say fiend.

What’s say when I bust outta here (and I will get out, Warden Cramsfield, oh I will) I stop by your place and jam that hair-removal cream where it’s best needed?…up your ass!

Whoa, what happened? Oh boy, just as I feared, I blacked out again. Wow, did I just write all that? I must apologize, you can only imagine that in a state-run prison, it’s tough to get your daily medication. This black-out thing tends to happen when I think about the unnecessary suffering of animals. I mean, I know chickens aren’t as cute as, let’s say, baby kittens; but they still deserve respect. Respect the chicken…that’s all I’m saying.

Good luck!
–8-Ball

Dear 8-Ball,

I’m the new guy in school and it’s not easy. I’m ok with the day-to-day activities, but things get pretty tough at lunchtime. All of the kids have their own "assigned" seats that were claimed before I got to the school. Every little group has their own area--even the nerds won’t let me sit with them.

Do you know how hard it is to eat Tuesday’s Sloppy Joe’s while sitting on the floor? Not to mention, this doesn’t help my situation with meeting girls. You have to help me on this one, 8-Ball!

—Lonely Lunchmeat Lou

Dear Lonely Lunchmeat Lou,

Wow, that does sound tough! Are you telling me that you don’t even have a chair to sit on while enjoying your meal?

Hey Lou, do you have to worry about getting stabbed in the neck with a chiseled toothbrush while you’re eating lunch? Any worries about getting stomped by a group of nasty Aryans? Ever been multiply raped at lunch, Lou? No chair, huh? Sounds real tough, pal.

Good Luck!

-8-Ball