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Pat's Top Five |
September 30, 2002
Welcome, fellow film fans and web whizzes!
It's time once again here at Big Screen Video for our annual
Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in
Motion Picture History.
As you may or may not know, this week-long, in-store event
recognizes the top five most important fictional characters ever to
appear on screen. It includes a wide variety of performances from
a wide diversity of genres, including comedy, drama,
science-fiction, and romance. As curator of this unique collection, I
am proud to share my selections with you over the world wide
web.
Here then is my pick for the NUMBER 5 All-Time Greatest
Character in Motion Picture History...
...the debonair Stephen Root as "Milton Waddams" from the off-the-wall
comedy Office Space!
As an undervalued and disregarded corporate cog,
Steven Root's Milton character brings some much-needed
dignity to the modern working man. So go ahead and grab your
Swingline® stapler, a Margarita with no salt, and sit back
and watch him light up the screen, mmm-k?
Please check here all week as I count down more of
Big
Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion
Picture History!
Sincerely,
Pat Freestone
Curator
October 1, 2002
The countdown continues...
At number 4 in Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History is a fictional young
man who brings hope and insight to a cruel world. He symbolizes intelligence, maturity, and reason. And he gets killed by a rock.
It's PIGGY, from Lord of the Flies .
"We did everything just the way grownups would've. Why didn't it work?"
Tell me about it!
In honor of this unforgettable character, Big Screen Video is proud to offer $2 off any deserted island
movie rental.. Choose from titles like Castaway, Blue Lagoon, Hell in the Pacific...the list goes on! (NOTE: island offer
does not include movies set in Manhattan or Martha's Vineyard. Offer expires 10/6/02. See store for details.)
Your host and curator,
Pat Freestone
October 2, 2002
Welcome to day three of Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History. Here's a quick recap of my picks thus far:
#5 "Milton Waddams" from Office Space
#4 "Piggy" from Lord of the Flies
And now, it's on to number 3. Although this ground-breaking character is technically from a television show, the show itself was
actually shot on film, and is currently available for rental in most video rental outlets under the
title The Twilight Zone 40th Anniversary Gift Pack. Close enough, if you ask me. Here is Burgess Meredith
as "Henry Bemis" in The Twilight Zone season 1: episode eight, "Time Enough at Last."
As a myopic bank teller who survives a nuclear holocaust, "Henry" must defend the earth
against giant stacks of library books. Okay--so I didn't see this one, but the cassette carton told me everything I need to know. Henry Bemis
is one tough customer! And here are some interesting facts about the actor, Burgess Meredith:
• Burgess Meredith, married four times, once sold vacuum cleaners in New York!
• Burgess Meredith and his brother George once operated a haberdashery in Cleveland Heights!
• Burgess Meredith can be seen in the hilarious comedies Grumpy Old Men and Grumpier Old Men!
Check back tomorrow for number 2!
Pat Freestone
Curator
October 3, 2002
Can you feel the excitement?
We've almost arrived at the number one greatest character in motion picture history, as I--Pat Freestone, curator and night
manager of Big Screen Video--count you through
Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History.
Sadly, I was able to procure only one photo of this remarkable character from one of the country's--and world's--best-loved films.
He was among the first of the Caucasian-American male comedians to truly demonstrate how hilarious the Japanese are. Here, at number
two, is Mickey Rooney as the irascible "Mr. Yunioshi" from the 1961 classic Breakfast at Tiffany's.
(Curator's Note: Mickey Rooney is not to be confused with Andy Rooney, that cantankerous old nelly
from 60 Minutes who drones on every week about how toothbrushes are too high-tech nowadays, or how Starbuck's took over his
favorite muffin stand last month. Here's a tip from Pat Freestone, you old coot: I'm sure there was a time, not so long
ago, when some even OLDER coot saw your pink jowls on television and thought YOU were the sign that the world was ending.
So just move over
already and make room for today's young, pie-fucking human pin-cushions, you tired old jackass.)
Tomorrow...N U M B E R 1.
See you then,
Pat Freestone
October 4, 2002
On behalf of everyone here at Big Screen Video, I hope you've enjoyed this special internet companion to
Big Screen Video's Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History.
As curator, I've spent an agonizing week trying to winnow the tens of thousands of amazing characters in the world of
motion pictures down to a mere five. And yet, as hard as it was, I feel like I've accomplished this difficult task, and included a little something
for everybody.
But before I reveal the number one character of all time, let's quickly review the countdown thus far...
#5 "Milton Waddams" from Office Space
#4 "Piggy" from Lord of the Flies
#3 "Henry Bemis" from The Twilight Zone episode 1.8
#2 "Mr. Yunioshi" from Breakfast at Tiffany's
And now, on to number one.
I could spend all day going on about the monumental importance of this character--not only to motion pictures, but to art, and even
to life itself--and how he single-handedly gave the world a new appreciation for genius-level intelligence, or how he fought bravely against
the tyranny of the corrupt bourgeoisie, or how he pioneered a whole new style of electric violin rock, or how he brought quiet dignity to
chronic allergy sufferers everywhere...
...but the name says it all.
Poindexter.
Good night, Yonkers, my work here is done!
Until next time,
Pat Freestone
October 7, 2002
Well, there’s no accounting for taste.
Although I considered last week’s
Big Screen Video’s Top Five All-Time Greatest Characters in Motion Picture History
a genuine success, apparently, several customers and web-surfers didn’t agree. For example, a certain Ms. R. D’Angelo of Harrisburg, PA commented, quite brusquely, that my selections were "self-indulgent, grossly inappropriate, and flew in the face of all established film criticism."
Well that’s Pat Freestone, baby: in your face!
However, I am not above heeding the heartfelt advice of my readers and renters, so I shall do just that.
I must admit that sometimes, from my perch here behind the counter at Big Screen Video, it truly seems as if the whole world were one giant cornucopia of filmed entertainment. It’s sometimes quite easy to get lost in the celluloid fantasy world, and forget the infinite realm of other possibilities out there.
So this week, rather than review feature films, or the actors and actresses that star in them, or the directors who create them, I’d like to take a look at something that everyone can relate to—‘do rags.
So check in tomorrow, for the first-ever
Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.
The people have spoken.
Sincerely,
Pat Freestone
October 8, 2002
Welcome to the premiere of
Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.
We’ve all been there: ready to go to work, attend a lecture, or go for a drive on 20-inch rims, and suddenly, it becomes apparent that we cannot sport our favorite ‘do rag because it has a hole in it.
Luckily, there’s the Spandex Dragon, at number FIVE on this week’s countdown. Available in a variety of colors, including white, this ‘do rag—or technically, stocking cap—WILL fit all head sizes and yes, it WILL last a long time.
Check in tomorrow for more of
Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.
Regards,
Pat Freestone
October 9, 2002
By popular demand, we’re continuing to count you down through
Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.
At number FOUR on the countdown is a ‘do rag that offers durability, style and a breathable sport fabric. It is also remarkably easy to clean, which I learned from personal experience, after my head was repeatedly pelted with eggs by some neighborhood toughs during my field test of this particular product.
So don’t hit the court without your Du Rag Sport y’all!
Holla back,
Pat Freestone
October 10, 2002
The ‘do-rags get more "fly" as we work our way towards number one, here in
Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever.
At number three, you’ll find all the characteristics of a good ‘do-rag: ample color selection, durability, wear-ability, and light, breathable fabric. In this case, the fabric is satin. Now that’s a solid rag.
For schnitzel, my nipples
Pat Freestone
October 11, 2002
Dear friends,
I have decided to suspend the countdown of
Pat Freestone’s Top Five All-Time Greatest ‘Do-Rags Ever
until further notice, because of repeated death threats against me. Below is the first of such correspondences, which arrived late Tuesday night in the Late Night Return Receptacle, along with a rather large, dead and decapitated rodent. Since then, I have received no fewer than eleven threats from the same angered party. I shall not print the others, as they are filled with obscenities and graphic depictions of what could be done to my body if I refuse to comply with this maniacal cease and desist order.
I think that as you peruse this, you’ll come to agree that I am making the wise choice.
Regretfully,
Pat Freestone
May 5, 2003
Since I'm now officially back at work after my four-month paid leave that my boss is somehow unaware of, I figure it's fitting to salute
Pat Freestone's Top 5 Films About Work
5. Working Girl
4. Late Shift
3. 9 To 5
2. Office Space
1. Hannibal
TGIM,
Pat Freestone
May 6, 2003
I've been busy all day re-organizing the drama section after 4 months of Ruth's rather inept attempts at alphabetization. Let's just put it this way, Erin Brokovich might go under 'B' in the phone book, but in a video store, she clearly belongs between Eraj'nis Zonez III and Ernest Goes to Camp.
Pat Freestone's Top 5 Difficult to Comprehend Film Conclusions
5. Mystery Train
4. Mulholland Drive
3. Donnie Darko
2. Un Chein Andalou
1. When Harry Met Sally
All My Best,
Pat Freestone
May 7, 2003
Some time ago, I compiled a comprehensive, cross-referenced list of all the main and supporting characters from Big Screen Video's entire stock of Hollywood movies. I created separate tracking attributes for gender, nationality, age, appearance, goals, profession, and whether or not the character tends to get naked. I then plugged the data into Big Screen'�s Dell Inspiron 8200 computer in hopes of finding new character profiles that have not yet been dreamed up by the Screenwriter's Guild. The results were interesting.
Pat Freestone's Top 5 Characters You Rarely See in Movies
5. Chinese Werewolf
4. Nazi With a Heart of Gold
3. Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtle
2. Stoner-Dude Klansman
1. Bitter, Vengeful Retard
Statistically speaking,
Pat Freestone
May 8, 2003
If you're like me, you love a good laugh--except when the laughter is directed at you as you're falling down a flight of stairs at Outback Steakhouse.
Pat Freestone's Top 5 Comedy Devices That Never Fail
5. Rubber Chicken
4. Rubber Ass
3. Rubber Vomit
2. Rubber Nose
1. Jalapeno Condom
See you tomorrow,
Pat Freestone
May 9, 2003
Well, this week sure flew by.
Being back on the job here at Big Screen Video has not only restored my
sense of purpose and allowed me to give something back to the community, but
it has also provided me ample time to practice sleeping while standing. And
while I'm on the subject of sleeping:
Pat Freestone's Top 5 Most Boring Movies of All Time
5. The Hand-Model's Tale
4. 39 Candles
3. Being John Madden
2. The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Mr. and Mrs. Jim Cawog of Patterson, New
Jersey
1. My Big Fat Greek Cousin
Pat Freestone
