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We Came to Play |
August 30, 2004
"I'll believe it when I see it," you said.
"It will never happen," you said.
"Aw, bullshit!" you said.
Well guess what?
The Pat Freestone Band will be performing live in New York City on Thursday,September 23rd. For more information, visit this informative web site:
Arlene's Grocery-- New York's Premiere Rock Club
Or check back anytime in the next three weeks for the massive onslaught ofPat Freestone Band promotion and gratuitous flag-waving.
Mark your calendars! Clear your schedules! Quit night school!
DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO, BUT DO NOT MISS THIS UNFORGETTABLE EVENT!
Pat Freestone
August 31, 2004
The countdown to show time is on!
Those of you not familiar with the world of the Rock & Roll musician might not understand what an undertaking a concert tour can be. Well let me tell you—it’s not just sitting around in leather pants, snorting coke and autographing tits. Well it is, but there’s still more to it than that.
For example, do you realize that the average band will spend over a third of their career sleeping in a small brown van? Or that the average band will contract some sort of sexually transmitted disease every 2.75 days? Or that the average band will lose its original drummer to suicide, overdose or accidental highway death before receiving its first Grammy nomination? Granted, these examples are just speculation on my part, but still.
So that being said, let’s kick out the jams!
Aow!
September 1, 2004
A few notes to self on last night’s rehearsal:
*remember to modulate to D# on bridge of “No You Can’t Try On My Glasses”
*remind Ruth to lay off the cowbell on ballads
*do not put milkshakes on top of amp
*insist that Sonny wear Depend® undergarments so that future rehearsals do not have to be interrupted by constant bathroom breaks.
*bring extra set of cocaine
*avoid plugging everything into the same outlet as the Dustbuster®
*do not suddenly call out, “break it down!” (sounds gay)
*give Clicky something to do with his hands during instrumental solos
*general note: less talkin’—more rockin’
Other than that, awesome.
Pat Freestone
September 2, 2004
As I am a person who aspires to be well-prepared for any situation, I have begun writing the liner notes for our first Rock & Roll album, tentatively titled, There Is No Fucking Way You Can Eat All That Ham. I’m going for a more traditionally-styled liner note—one that delivers plain, no-nonsense information about the album’s musical style and the intentions of the artist. The following is an excerpt from the first rough draft:
Bloviating with dire intensity, the Pat Freestone sound serves diligently as a welcome roborant to today’s disrupted pop eupepsia. Upon delving into the ornate rhythmic latticework laid forth by Pat (Freestone), Ruth (Teresovich) and Sonny (Cochran), one might misprize the enveloping sonance as blues-infused dirt-madrigal. Upon deeper auscultation, however, the layers of inter-reverberant tones ring true to the listener as a vade mecum for the next generation of post-ironic suicide metal--vast, yet collapsing upon itself like the last gasp of an ancient Red Giant. And it is some pretty rockin’ shit for you to check out.
Sonny insisted on adding that last sentence. I left it in there just to humor him, but I doubt it will appear anywhere except maybe on the Special Features section of our concert DVD. In any case, we have not yet recorded or even written an album’s worth of music, so things could change.
Adieu for now,
Pat Freestone
September 3, 2004
Once again, Creative Differences are threatening to tear this band apart.
While we all agree that we will definitely be playing our first live show at Arlene’s Grocery in New York City on Thursday September 23rd at 8pm, we can’t seem to find common ground when it comes to determining our set list. I have demanded that we play only original material, but unfortunately, all of our original songs are based on “Smoke on the Water” and may not be suitable for the occasion. I asked each band member to submit their ideas for potential cover songs, and as you’ll see, it just added to the aesthetical divide.
SONNY
1. Lynyrd Skynyrd “Gimme Back My Bullets”
2. Johnny Cash “Sunday Morning Comin’ Down”
3. Molly Hatchet “Flirting With Disaster”
4. The Allman Brothers “Whipping Post”
5. Digital Underground “The Humpty Dance”
6. ZZ Top “Legs”
RUTH
1. Minor Threat “Guilty of Being White”
2. Devo “The Girl You Want”
3. B-52’s “Rock Lobster”
4. Dionne Warwick/Burt Bachrach “Walk on By”
5. “The Theme from Facts of Life”
CLICKY
1. Side 1 of Neil Diamond’s Jonathan Livingston Seagull: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
2. Dwight Yoakam “Since I Started Drinkin’ Again”
(encore) Side 2 of Neil Diamond’s Jonathan Livingston Seagull: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
I suggested opening up with some Hilary Duff, or maybe some of Ashley Simpson’s older stuff, and was quickly overruled. Call me pushy, but last time I checked, wasn’t it called the PAT FREESTONE band???
Politics!
Pat Freestone
September 7, 2004
Life in the fast lane—surely make you lose your mind.
When you decide that your dream is to be a Rock & Roll Star, it’s easy to get caught up in the glitz and glam and focus on all the great things that come along with such a life. But what they don’t tell you is that there is indeed a dark side.
They don’t tell you about the long hours on the road, or the ratty hotel rooms, or the poor quality angel dust. You never get a free set of matching motorcycles. You never hear someone say, “hey, Rock and Roll Band—please set up camp in my beautiful, well-appointed home and help yourself to some of these Omaha steaks!” And when the concert is over, it’s just you, the sweaty shirt on your back, the drunk groupie and the baby thresher shark.
Be careful what you wish for.
Pat Freestone
September 8, 2004
Special thanks to the good people from the band Undead Corpuscle, and to my musical brethren in the group Cat Scratch Peter for contributing to the following list:
JOB-RELATED HAZARDS OF ROCK & ROLL THAT I NEGLECTED TO MENTION YESTERDAY
*deafness/hearing loss
*liver disease
*loss of balance
*spasms/shakes
*delirium
*stiffness of the joints
*addiction to prescription drugs
*disorientation/confusion
*lowered sperm count/infertility
*sudden death
Ironically, this list is almost identical to a list that I created some years ago, entitled
THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE OLD
Well, what do you know!
Pat Freestone
September 13, 2004
It was inevitable.
This weekend, Sonny quit the band.
I knew we had been growing apart creatively, but I didn’t think it would come to this. There we were, working on a new song called “Look Over There—That Woman is Awkwardly Ample in the Bosom” when Sonny suddenly stopped playing and set his bass down.
It turns out that all this time Sonny had just been pretending to enjoy being a Rock and Roll Star. What seemed to us to be a very large man bobbing to the rhythm of his bass groove was really a very large man plucking Songs in The Key of Lie. The reality is that Sonny is a complicated individual with a great deal of sensitivity and an incredible tolerance for alcohol. Thus, while the rest of the band reveled, confident in our music under the warm blanket of intoxication, Sonny’s alcohol-resistant lucidity allowed him to accurately perceive that all of our songs are terrible, tuneless, off-tempo dogshit.
So Sonny has gone on the road with his solo project.; a one-man, four hour musical tribute to Frank Lloyd Wright, performed entirely on the electric bass.
We will miss him; in the meantime I will just tune my low E down really low so it sounds like a bass. That will have to do—we have our fist gig in ten days!
Terrified,
Pat Freestone
September 14, 2004
Announcing
The Pat Freestone Band Reunion Tour!
That’s right—the band you knew and loved and never even heard that broke up two days ago is now back and better than ever!
After spending an afternoon as a solo artist, Sonny came to the realization that shouldering the burden of creative integrity all alone was a lonely and terrible chore, and had a dramatic change of heart. Seeing him last night, standing in the doorway of Big Screen Video/our rehearsal space with bass in hand was the lift all of us needed.
Except Ruth. She’s a bit of a lump when she’s ovulating.
Anyway, we’ve decided to kick off our reunion tour on the night that co-incidentally happens to be the night of our first gig ever. Talk about coming full circle! Did I mention Arlene’s Grocery at 95 Stanton Street in New York City on Thursday September 23rd at 8pm sharp? Don’t miss it!
Yours truly,
Pat Freestone
September 15, 2004
Clicky quit the band.
This one really knocked the wind out of me, and in particular, my sails. One minute we were slamming through a Deep House version of Megadeth’s “Symphony of Destruction,” and then suddenly, twenty thousand termites busted in and carried Clicky away on their little backs.
What the fuck?
Pat Freestone
September 16, 2004
Here we are, a week away from our Debut Reunion Concert, and we have no lead singer. As it stands, here are my options:
PLAN “A” Find a replacement singer
PLAN “B” Abduct Clicky from his termite family
PLAN “C” Commit suicide
So right now, I have some rope, a small stool, a collection of local free press classified ads and a full can of Black Flag with Foaming Action.
I like to keep all my options open.
Pat Freestone
September 20, 2004
Let me tell you a story about a young lady who might very well save the Pat Freestone Band from becoming another forgotten footnote in the story of Rock
& Roll.
She started coming into Big Screen Video--if memory serves--around 3:14 PM on the 8th of July, 1998. She distinguished herself from the usual clientele almost immediately, for she was tall, lovely, and was born with a complete set of fingers and toes. Her name is Dana Fuchs.
I suppose what really piqued my interest in Dana was her uncanny ability to surprise me with her rental choices. Most customers rent with a certain predictability; we have what we call our New Releasers, The Pervs, The Indies, Sophomorons, Action Jacksons, Weepers, Chicks, and the easy-to-please Sandler-Stiller Crowd. But you could never find any rhyme or reason to what Dana would pick up off the shelf. Some days she'd rent Rosemary's Baby or maybe The Exorcist. Then she might come in the following day and rent Hellraiser and The Omen. And then just when you think you've got a handle on her demo, she might decide on The Devil's Advocate, or The Amityville Horror, or The Apple Dumpling Gang. You just never knew what the woman had a taste for.
So, yesterday, while roaming the so-called internet in search of a new singer to replace our former frontman Clicky--who you may recall was abducted by termites--I came across this. It is she:
The Greatest Rock & Roll Singer of Our Time!
Our only hope. Now, does anyone out there have her agent's phone number?
Pat Freestone
We came. We played. What happened?
October 18, 2004
It is only now, after weeks of fanfare and fast living that I can welcome
you to
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the Wildly Successful
Rock & Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone Band
Now, finally, the story can be told.
Pat Freestone
October 19, 2004
It's Day 2 of
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the Wildly Successful
Rock & Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone Band
On bass guitar, Sonny Cochran
I'm talkin' 'bout bass!
Pat Freestone
Pat Freestone
October 20, 2004
Let us continue merrily on with
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the
Wildly Successful Rock & Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone Band
On lead vocals, "Clicky."
Raised by termites. But raised to rock!
Pat Freestone
October 21, 2004
Here we are once again, relaxing in the afterglow of
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the Wildly Successful Rock
& Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone Band
Percussionist Ruth Teresovich.
She bangs. The drum.
Pat Freestone
October 22, 2004
Behold
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the Wildly Successful
Rock
& Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone Band
Special guest vocalist Dana Fuchs
That's right. Dana Fuchs performing live with the Pat Freestone Band.
I'm
still not quite sure how that happened, exactly.
Pat Freestone
November 1, 2004
There is no stopping
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the Wildly Successful Rock & Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone
Band
We opened the show with a cover of the Camper Van Beethoven classic, "Good
Guys and Bad Guys," in a power-trio arrangement featuring yours truly on
vocals. We were warmly received by the crowd, with the single exception of
a rather lanky young man in the rear of the venue who gave me the finger
during my guitar solo. He may have been motioning to the cocktail waitress.
It was difficult to see through the spherical lens-flare created on my
glasses by the house spotlight.
Pat Freestone
November 2, 2004
Wow, this election is really crazy. Anyway, back to
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the Wildly Successful Rock &
Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone Band
After romping through a few original songs--namely "F Train Girls" and "Be
Kind Rewind," Clicky grabbed the mic and launched us into a cover of
Blondie's "One Way or Another."
This number really got the attention of the female fans. Not so much
because it's a well-known song and a real toe-tapper, but because when a guy
in overalls screams "I will drive past your house and when the lights are
all out I'll see who's around" it sounds a little threatening.
Pat Freestone
November 3, 2004
It looks like it's going to be four more years of
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the Wildly Successful Rock &
Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone Band
For our next song, Clicky took us into a cover of "Last Cigarette" by the
80's rock band Dramarama. Unfortunately, due to a technical error, I
started playing Ashlee Simpson's "Pieces of Me." I don't think the crowd
noticed, thank God.
Pat Freestone
November 4, 2004
There is still no end in sight for
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the Wildly Successful Rock & Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone Band
There we were, about to whip the near-capacity crowd into a frenzy with a
speed-metal rendition of Snoop Dogg's "Gin & Juice." Suddenly--from what I
could surmise--Clicky became spooked by a camera flash and bolted from the
venue.
Thinking on my feet, I immediately picked up the microphone and stalled for
time by launching into a standup routine about the Holocaust.
Pat Freestone
November 5, 2004
This could very well be the end of
Pat Freestone's Seemingly Endless Look Back
at the Wildly Successful Rock & Roll Concert Debut of the Pat Freestone
Band
For what seemed like an eternity, we stood there on stage, unsure of what to
do next. Then suddenly, I noticed a peculiar electricity in the air. The
next thing I knew, a long tall drink of liquid luminescence was on stage,
belting out INXS's "Devil Inside" like there was no tomorrow. I don't
remember anything that happened after that, except the vague notion that
Robert Plant had become a girl and was re-enacting the Battle of Evermore
along my spinal cord.
I've learned quite a few things during my time as a Rock & Roll Star. But
the most important thing I've learned is that if you are a musician and have
a beautiful woman with a great voice fronting your band, you can pretty much
phone in your part.
Behold the splendor New York City's Premiere Rock Goddess Dana
Fuchs!
Pat Freestone
November 8, 2004
I'm stepping down from the lofty perch of Rock & Roll. Don't try to stop me.
It's a young man's game, and I think old Pat Freestone's been fooling himself for long enough. It was great, but it's over. See you later, glory. So long, limelight. Goodbye, waking up in a big pile of cocaine and tits.
Where do we go from here?
Right now, it's looking like Applebee's. But then where?
Confounded,
Pat Freestone
November 9, 2004
The band is no more. Thanks for not setting yourselves on fire in protest.
It seems that once again Pat Freestone has come upon a crossroads. On one side, the well-worn path leads back to the humdrum daily grind and abulia of my Assistant Night Managerial position at Big Screen Video. On the other, a mysterious gateway swings open into endless uncertainty.
It is at times like this that I call upon the wisdom of www.hornyfuckchat.com.
Optimistically,
Pat Freestone
