Pat Freestone : The List Goes On
August 22, 2002
Well, I don't know if you're familiar with the city of Yonkers, New York, but let's just put it this way—it's not always the Rockwellian paradise you might think. But good things are happening in town, especially in and around us here at Big Screen Video. Maybe that's how it is in your town, too!
SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS GENTRIFYING
1. Cigarette billboards suddenly change from Kool 100's to American Spirit Lights
2. Back-alley trash dumpster no longer cries at night
3. Needle exchange program expands to include acupuncture clinic
4. Malcolm X Avenue renamed Will Smith Blvd.
5. Neighborhood Laundromat establishes "lost-n-found" bin
6. Neighborhood liquor store unveils first-ever "take-a-penny-leave-a-penny" tray
7. Parking space disputes no longer settled "Riker's style"
8. Local "reggae" shop begins to actually sell reggae records
9. Residents statistically less likely to live to see birth of their own great-great-great-great grandchildren
This morning, as I enjoyed my International Foods Café Mocha and U.S. News and World Report magazine, I was struck by an article I read about the shortage of permanent positions available in the advertising industry. It seems that often times in today's "Ad Game," temporary or "permalance" employees are hired on without benefit packages to handle the bulk of the administrative duties for a fraction of what the company might spend training and promoting a staff employee. Oh, well! For those of you who fall into this category, I say TRY WORKING IN A VIDEO RENTAL STORE FOR FOUR YEARS, YOU WHINING, ENVELOPE-PUSHING, BRAND-LOYALIST, OUT-OF-THE-BOX-THINKERS! SUCK IT! I SAID SUCK IT NOW!!!
Nine inappropriate things for a temp to say to the Senior VP
1. "Seriously--does it have to be typed?"
2. "All this sittin' around not doin' a damn thang? Nigga, my ass be killin' me!"
3. "Do I have cocaine all over my face?"
4. "I'll have those copies for you as soon as my screenplays are done collating…"
5. "I'm better now...thanks to the ol' hair of the dog."
6. "…you know what they say--not enough Indians…"
7. "Verbal warning? Oh, I guess I'm not important enough to get it in writing!"
8. "Some executive-somethin-or-other called while you were takin' a dump…"
9. "You might think three hours is a long download, but dude, this kind of Asian porn is worth the wait!"
That's good advice! Well, it's time for me to go--I'm needed at the Late Night Return Slot Receptacle. But don't miss tomorrow's thoughts—that would be a shame!
December 9, 2002
NINE THINGS I’D RATHER HEAR INSTEAD OF BILLY JOEL'S "PIANO MAN"
9. The gentle plop of my body hitting the molten core of an active volcano
8. "Shield Your Home With The Slomin’s Shield" By the Slomin
7. The roar, and then muffled vibration of dual high-speed drill bits as they simultaneously liquefy the soft cartilage and tiny bones in both of my inner ears
6. The phrase, "Congratulations, President DiCaprio"
5. The wet, popping crunch of my last remaining finger as it finally severs between my upper left and lower left molars
4. The quiver in Dan Rather’s voice just before he breaks into tears on national television
3. MC Hammer’s "Addams Groove" from the Motion Picture Soundtrack The Addams Family
2. The frenzied snarls and rabid panting of nine viciously mistreated, starving pitbulls as they converge on the small rabbit securely taped to my genitals
1.. Billy Joel’s "We Didn’t Start The Fire"
I'm sure you all feel the same way.
December 10, 2002
NINE "COOL" COMMERCIAL TAG LINES FOR 2009
9. "Hotties Do Hanes"
8. "Bring Da Love Wit Mizz Butterworfs"
7. "DefProg Your SpamOrg!"
6. "New Cherry Ginko-Echinacea TUMS Rogaine5"
5. "Chunky Crunky Jiff"
4. "ViagraGel Gets My Groove On!"
3. "Dude! Dorito Verts!"
2. "Lourdes Wears Them"
1. "Feelin’ the Love with Durex Anal"
December 11, 2002
NINE MOMENTS IN WHICH BEING UNCOMMONLY CUTE WILL NOT HELP YOU
9. Somewhere between 10,000 feet and the gradual realization that you have your skydiving instructor’s laundry strapped to your back.
8. As the unseen crosshairs mark the imaginary spot directly between your antlers.
7. Right after the prosecuting attorney asks how your monogrammed wristwatch got into the deceased prostitute’s colon.
6. When the loud, metallic clatter of the Harley Davidson domino effect you accidentally created outside of "Satan’s Spigot " finally ceases.
5. While making your big first impression as a new inmate at Pelican Bay State Penitentiary.
4. Fifteen to twenty minutes after noticing that the foil wrapper of the delicious candy bar you just wolfed down has "Ex-Lax" printed all over it.
3. In the confusion between unlocking your tray table and the deafening rush of wind that lets you know you have just opened the emergency exit.
2. Less than a tenth of a second after your "lucky" foot triggers the trip mechanism of a thirty-eight pound steel bear trap.
1. Immediately following the ironically life-sustaining warmth of the massive fireball resulting from the Navy rescue helicopter’s collision with the Coast Guard patrol boat.
December 12, 2002
NINE WAYS THEY GET YOU
9. With the old bait & switch
8. On the extra toppings
7. By making it look like a real check
6. Under the "FCC Line Charge"
5. By filling you up on the free bread
4. By standing behind you and tapping you on the far shoulder so when you turn to look, there’s no one standing there
3. By throwing in one heck of a Tru-Cote
2. By discreetly palming the Queen of Hearts
1. Coming and going
December 13, 2002
NINE CLASSIC VIDEO GAME BLUNDERS
9. Waltzing right into the Blinky-Pinky cutoff maneuver
8. Neglecting to save the Humanoids
7. Squandering every last man in attempts to reach the Bag of Gold directly above the Alligator Swamp
6. Confusing HYPERSPACE with SMART BOMB
5. Assaulting edge of screen with Dragon Double Moon Kick instead of opponent
4. Basing entire attack strategy on assumption that Mushrooms are friendly
3. Hitting Up, Up, Down, Left, Circle, X but forgetting to tap L2 twice before the Zombie Cop gets you by the leg
2. Shooting Armor-Piercing Grenade at Giant Acid Crab while standing way too close
1. Crashing into that goddamn motherfuckin’ thing AGAIN!!!
December 16, 2002
Hello again, friends.
With an unprecedented 2 e-mails received in praise of last weeks’ "9-Item Lists," I think it’s safe to say that last week was indeed a "banner" week for Inside Pat Freestone Updated Almost Daily.
I realize that the content of this site had suffered in previous weeks as a result of my smoking addiction and subsequent foray into the seedy and dangerous world of male prostitution.
I’m much better now, thanks for asking.
In any case, I put a great deal of time and effort into crafting over 70 "9-Item Lists" for last week’s site postings, most of which I later deemed unfit for inclusion. Here then, is one final list—at least for 2002.
NINE "9-ITEM LISTS" INAPPROPRIATE FOR POSTING ON "TODAY INSIDE PAT FREESTONE UPDATED ALMOST DAILY"
9. NINE SMELLS ALMOST ANYONE CAN MAKE
8. NINE RESOLUTIONS MAYOR BLOOMBERG HAS DRAFTED TO BRING RELIEF TO NEW YORK CITY’S SQUIRREL POPULATION
7. NINE GREAT BROWN SWANSON® ENTREES
6. NINE MAJOR FLAWS IN LOGIC IN THE CARTOON THE ROADRUNNER
5. NINE WAYS TO SKIN A CAT
4. NINE CHEESES THAT DON’T TRAVEL WELL IN YOUR FRONT POCKET
3. NINE SELF-DEPRECATING QUOTES FROM JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
2. NINE EASILY-BROKEN COMMANDMENTS
1. NINE WORDS THE ESKIMOS HAVE FOR "BORED"
There you have it,
September 29, 2003
Either Dr. Amy totally transformed me into a healthy, adjusted individual, or she made me realize that change is impossible and taught me to love myself just the way I am. Either way, it’s a brand new day.
So let’s just get right to it.
9 Good Tips
9. Change your brand of shampoo often for healthier hair.
8. Daddy’s Little Girl in the 5th
7. Two bucks on a draft beer
6. Grape flavored powdered Kool-Aid, when sprinkled on grass, will keep geese away.
5. Lakers in six.
4. Don’t shit where you eat.
3. Consolidated Steel (CnStl) at 22 1/4
2. Add a packet of Lipton’s onion soup mix to a pound of your favorite ground beef for zesty burgers!
1. Airbrushed acrylic at Love Nails
September 30, 2003
9 Famous Last Words
9. "Aw, look! Over there by the stream! It’s a cute little bear cub!"
8. "Wind speed—check. Flaps—check. Mountain—uh-oh."
7. "Okay...three somewhat fast tugs means decrease the air supply, three slightly slow tugs means give me more slack, and three moderate-speed tugs means bring me back up to the surface immediately."
6. "I said, "APOLLO, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!!""
5. "It’s only been 29 minutes since we had lunch, but I say fuck it, let’s swim!"
4. "The green wire. Gotta be the green wire. It’s always the green wire."
3. "Dude--park over there by those railroad tracks and let’s spark this bad boy!"
2. "Put the fucking gun down, Courtney..."
1. "Gimme that goddamn squeegee. Let me show you how a professional washes a 68th floor window. "
October 1, 2003
9 Excellent Oxymorons
9. Plastic glass
8. President Bush
7. Ice water
6. Must-see TV
5. Dry Martini
4. Peacekeeping force
3. Toll free
2. Dodge Ram
1. Best Wishes,
October 2, 2003
9 Illegal Yet High-Scoring Scrabble Words
October 6, 2003
9 Things That Were Probably Invented by Accident
9. Beef Jerky
8. The Cordless Phone
7. Anal Sex
6. Acid Wash
5. Tongue Piercing
4. Stained Glass
3. Tube Socks
2. Chunky Soup
1. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
October 7, 2003
With special thanks to the distinguished young rental associate at Reel Life South Video in Brooklyn, NY...
9 Perfect Double Features
9. Freaky Friday the 13th
8. Lost Boys Don't Cry
7. Sleeping With the Enemy of the State
6. The Lost Weekend at Bernie's
5. A Few Good Men in Black
4. It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World According to Garp
3. What's New, Pussycat People?
2. Fast Times at Ridgemont High Noon
1. Knute Rockne--All American Beauty
Enjoy the show,
October 8, 2003
Back by popular demand...
9 More Perfect Double Features
9. The Godfather of the Bride
8. Pimps Up, Ho's Down and Out in Beverly Hills
7. Pretty in Pink Floyd the Wall
6. 28 Days of Thunder
5. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead Calm
4. Eyes of Laura Mars Attacks!
3. My Left Footloose
2. A Star is Born on the 4th of July
1. A Time To Kill a Mockingbird
Create your own! Fun at parties!
Have a good one,
October 9, 2003
9 Rare and Difficult to Use Racial/Ethnic Slurs
9. Ya Orgasm-Grinder!
8. Goddamn Car-Maker.
7. Mint Chip Sonafabitch!
6. Frickin' Crouton.
5. Hey, Dutch Boy!
4. Dirty Bell Pepper!
3. River-Crossing Bastard!
1. Rice Monkey.
October 10, 2003
9 Discontinued Hotpocket Flavors
9. Micro-Wavos Rancheros
7. Placenta Parmesan
6. Nut-in' Much
5. Classic Gray
4. Thai Boy!
3. French Bread Dough
2. Lint Blintz
1. Chum & Cheese
In your grocer's freezer,
March 1, 2004
I’m afraid I need to get political for a moment.
It seems that once again, our nation is divided. A controversy has risen, pitting church against state and brother against brother. Once again, our "one" nation is quickly becoming split down the middle over an issue so volatile that it affects every man, woman and child in America, except for the ones that are retarded, alcoholic, on life support, or suffering from some condition that prevents them from knowing what the hell is going on. I’m talking, of course, about gay marriage versus the Jesus movie.
You can’t turn on a television or open a newspaper without seeing the vicious fighting going on between these two factions. The gay marriage people want to fight about their issues; the Jesus movie people want to fight about theirs. It’s tearing us apart. Ask the average American where he or she stands on the Jesus Movie/Gay Marriage controversy, and chances are, you’ll get some sort of shrug, or perhaps a watered-down, placating response. And that is sad.
Just look at some of the polls conducted by various news organizations:
Do you agree with Mel Gibson, or the Mayor of San Francisco?
Do you believe that Jewish people control the media, or do the gays control it?
Do you know exactly who should be allowed to marry, and who brutally murdered Jesus?
EXCUSE ME, I’M RUNNING LATE 33%
Isn’t our country big enough for male brides, outraged/entertained Christians, renegade politicians, lesbian former celebrities, hysterical rabbis, Britney Spears divorcees AND hunky actor/directors with Nazi relatives? Isn’t it?
March 2, 2004
Super Tuesday is here!
Sure, Kerry is expected to win the lion’s share of the 1,151 delegates in today’s 11 primaries and caucuses, but down the road, will he be able to compete against Bush’s $100 million in preconvention finances? Sure, Steve Grossman over at the Democratic National Committee will remind you that Kerry, like Bush, opted out of the fund-raising limits in the primaries, but can Kerry unite the party, reign in the quarter million Dean backers and get the DNC activated in closing the financial gap?
I have no idea what I just said.
March 3, 2004
The President of the United States. We all know what that means. But did you know this?
Undisputed True Facts About Dead Presidents
*George Washington had a dog named Sweet Lips!
*Thomas Jefferson never Googled himself!
*James Madison was only 5 foot, 4 inches tall!
*Martin Van Buren’s autobiography does not mention his wife once!
*James K Polk prohibited all dancing in the White House!
*Millard Fillmore wore huge ties!
*Ulysses S Grant set a high-jump record at West Point that stood for over twenty years!
*There was nothing weird about Rutherford B Hayes!
*Warren G. Harding coined the term "normalcy!"
*Calvin Coolidge often ate breakfast in bed while a nurse rubbed his head with Vaseline!
*Andrew Johnson never listened to gangsta rap!
*Dwight D Eisenhower was injured while trying to tackle Jim Thorpe in a college football game!
*Richard Nixon never had a headache in his whole life!
March 4, 2004
While we’re on the topic of American Politics, perhaps it might be helpful to take a close look at the Voting Process itself, as it affects the average American—in this case, a single, white male between the ages of 24 and 35 who earns $28,000 to $42,000 per year.
THE VOTING PROCESS
(a) frontal lobe triggers cognitive decision to get up early and vote
(b) brain’s sleep-regulating mechanisms force body to remain in bed in fetal position
(c) mid-day seratonin levels produce desire to vote after work
(d) powerful reproductive hormones saturate parietal lobe
(e) brain forces body to blow off voting and explore nearby bars in search of reproductive mate
March 5, 2004
In accordance with the FCC’s new decency guidelines, today’s installment of Today Inside Pat Freestone Updated Almost Daily has been removed due to offensive content. Apparently, while attempting to create a diagram of how a bill becomes a law, I accidentally drew a giant tit.
I am very sorry. It was completely unintentional.
Join us next week for more of Today Inside Pat Freestone Updated Almost Daily
July 19, 2004
Well, well, well.
It looks like it’s time to take a look at what’s HOT! and what’s NOT HOT!
HOT! Low-Carb NOT HOT! Cockroaches
HOT! Tattoos NOT HOT! Female Circumcision
HOT! Spiderman NOT HOT! Nose Hairs
HOT! Spain NOT HOT! Ethnic Cleansing
HOT! Digital Cameras NOT HOT! Alzheimer’s Disease
HOT! Jessica Simpson NOT HOT! Timothy McVeigh
HOT! Chrome NOT HOT! Incest
HOT! Vintage Clothing NOT HOT! Soiling Oneself
Tomorrow, we’ll take a look at...
What’s FOOD! and what’s NOT FOOD!
July 20, 2004
As promised, it’s your comprehensive guide to...
What’s FOOD! and what’s NOT FOOD!
FOOD! Blood Orange NOT FOOD! Fiona Apple
FOOD! Foie Gras NOT FOOD! Crab Grass
FOOD! Chervil NOT FOOD! Pepper Spray
FOOD! Pomegranates NOT FOOD! Au Peres
FOOD! Beef Wellington NOT FOOD! Friar’s Club Roast
FOOD! Nutella NOT FOOD! Google
FOOD! Hominy NOT FOOD! KoRn
FOOD! Lady Fingers NOT FOOD! Sand Wedge
FOOD! Apple Brown Betty NOT FOOD! Joyce Carol Oates
FOOD! Filberts NOT FOOD! Lug Nuts
FOOD! Cake NOT FOOD! Pi
July 21, 2004
Today, we’ll be officially retiring some of America’s most over-borrowed urban slang and unveiling some of the new trans-demographic phraseology that will be coming soon to a corporate conference room, suburban sports bar, or private golf course near you!
THE OLD: “That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!”
THE NEW: “That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, up in here!”
THE OLD: “It’s all good!”
THE NEW: “It’s mad good!”
THE OLD: “Aw, yeah!”
THE NEW: “Eureka ‘n’ shit!”
THE OLD: “Keepin’ it real.”
THE NEW: “Preventin’ it from becomin’ akin to a flight of one’s imagination.”
THE OLD: “Bling-bling!”
THE NEW: “Blizzing-blizzing!”
THE OLD: “Pimp my ride!”
THE NEW “Refinance my shit!”
Coming soon...the official updated version of “I’m Rick James, bitch!”
July 22, 2004
New cuss words!
Trying to stay ahead of today’s modern, foul-mouthed lifestyle is no easy task. Most standard profanity has become so acceptable that it is practically inoffensive. Therefore, with the help of Sonny and some of his drinking friends, I have created a whole semen-portion’s worth of new cutting-edge swear words, vulgar phrases and descriptive gutter talk for every occasion. Enjoy!
Eat My Fuck!
Cum and a Half!
Shit for Dice!
Dick Hard, Spunk Knock!
Pube Sucking Tourist!
September 11 Cock Yahtzee!
Yo Mama’s Fallopian!
Jizz Darn It!
Screw Off, You Tit-White Sons of Bastards (just kidding),
July 23, 2004
You may have noticed a theme running through this week’s series of web entries. Alright, fine. Neither have I. But what better way to introduce
Pat Freestone’s Almost Perfectly Symmetrical List of Near-Totally Unrelated Things Pat Freestone
Brokenhearted Avon Lady
Light Shining Under a Door
A Green Female Dragonfly
The Seven of Diamonds
Black History Month
The Wood Chipper